Category: Featured

To all of our fans, we’re sorry for the long hiatus between updates, but we’ve been extremely busy prepping, shooting, and now editing our first feature film! Look at the trailer and kickstarter video above.

bloodysnow

For the last few months, we’ve put our lovely crew through some hardships, such as the surprise polar vortex (times 3!) that hit us and dumped multiple feet of snow, where locals had insisted us Angeleno’s brought the cold with us (do they not know anything about LA?), to having to deal with driving across country in stink-ridden cars. And that was just the first week! There were also some who insisted on cannonball-ing after the shoot in frigid temperatures, so they can make it back on time for the holidays and spend it with their families. Some people are so whiny. We’re lookin’ at you Sledge! Let’s just say it took about a couple of weeks to get the smell out of the car. Of course we also had fun during the long hours of shooting and clearing the sets because someone, who shall remain nameless, wants to use a lens that shows the entire universe for every. Single. Shot! Damn you Tokina!

So what’s the movie about? sorry, it’s not a feature with your favorite GoodCops, but that’s coming soon…ish.

Our first feature is a horror comedy where we bring the scare back in vampires. The com in comedy. The hor…ahem, in horror. And it’s called, I Had a Bloody Good Time at House Harker, and you can view the trailer along with our kickstarter plea over at www.HOUSEHARKER.com, or click on either above or below to view it here.

Here’s the basic rundown:

In order to save a home that has been in their family for generations, two awkward brothers and their idiot friend hire a vampire-actor to scare the town. Things get crazy when the “vampire” turns out to be the real thing.

Many of you will recognize some of your favorite cops, and there are some surprise guests as well. We’re asking you, our awesome fans, to share and pledge if you can, so we can make the movie, bloodier, colorful-er, soundier, musicier, and other post production lingo that turns a film into a KICKASS MOVIE!

Here’s the video below (again) and don’t forget to let your friends know, or else we’re going to put an APB on that ass!

www.HOUSEHARKER.com – the only indie movie where loads of money was spent to create blizzard style conditions…just to mess with the crew.

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This week’s Captioned Babes gallery features the lovely and and vivacious Laura Moro. She is a professional and talented model who can be found on her official Facebook Fan Page at: http://www.facebook.com/LauraElisabethFanPage on twitter at http://twitter.com/mslauramoro or on YouTube at http://www.youtube.com/MsLauraMoro.

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LETTER SENT TO VARIOUS HUMANE SOCIETY OFFICES

Dear Humane Society;

I know that despite your best efforts, some companion animals are not adopted and need to be put down. I imagine the process must be very difficult for staff, and is probably quite expensive.

I own a large python. I have been feeding it feeder rats from a local pet store, but it occurs to me that I could spare your staff the trauma and expense (and save a few dollars myself) were we to work out a symbiotic arrangement. Please let me know what you think.

Sincerely,

Brian

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October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. In honor of this the National Football League recently smattered pink on their ballplayers and cheerleaders to help bring awareness. This was a very effective action which brought plenty of attention

to a noble cause and it got me thinking; what can I do? It also got me thinking about breasts. The combination gave me a great excuse to crack some jokes about hooters while scouring the Internet for shareable pictures of boobs.

Texan Cheerleaders Support Breast Cancer Research
Texan Cheerleaders Support Breast Cancer Research

So with that, I bring you:

The Six Groups Who Would Suffer the Most Without Breasts

Best Babysitter Ever
Image Credit: Funnyphotos.net.au

Babies

Despite what Hollywood and horny men everywhere will tell you, the purpose of breasts is actually to feed milk to babies. Whether or not this activity is the very thing that causes mankind’s obsession with them is a question for an expert far more qualified than I, but after having two children of my own I can tell you with confidence that babies love their milk jugs and taking them away leads to screaming. Come to think of it, taking boobs away from anyone leads to screaming.

Boys

Nothing enthralls or distracts a young man or boy like a supple pair of breasts. They play video games for them, steal dad’s Playboy to see them and stare blankly at them whenever they plod idly by. Some of the most clever poetry scarcely heard was written by boys about boobs. So really, supporting breasts is the same as supporting creativity… and bra companies (who should probably be on this list, but that’s too obvious).

Cougars

How are the cougars of the planet supposed to seduce unwitting twenty somethings without a mass of cleaved mammaries? I would dare say that the job would be impossible. This new crop of important citizens have a difficult and unforgiving enough job as it is, failure means humiliation, success… also leads to humiliation… anyways, cougars need breasts.

by virtualvoid
by virtualvoid

The Porn Industry

Ring the doorbell, give the pizza, ask if her husband is home, show your wiener, play with boobies, fellatio, cunnilingus, missionary, doggie, she goes, you go, scene! This scene and hundreds of thousands like it would simply be impossible without breasts. For this reason and many others, the porn industry would suffer greatly without breasts. That being said; feet, armpit, elbow and knuckle hair fetishes would keep this industry going strong, even without the almighty hooter.

From gfxwallpapers.com
From gfxwallpapers.com

Men

The Aquabats said it best, “Big ones, little ones, fat ones, skinny ones…” of course they were talking about snakes and they were speaking negatively; but if you apply the phrase to jumblies and make it positive, then you’ll know what kind of breasts men appreciate. We go to the gym to watch them bounce, we crash cars to see them for just a moment longer, we donate to the Komen Foundation and write breast related blogs, just so we can talk about them. If breasts fell off of the face of the earth, many men would lose their inspiration and die of indifference.

 By rlh53
By rlh53

Women

Women love breasts, they don’t seem to sometimes, but they do. They are a wonderful tool to get just what they want. They wear sexy tops, jut out their chests and smile as they place them on display, all of this resulting in complete control over 88% of all men. They stare at cleavage just like men, the difference is, they aren’t as obvious when they look and they can always use the phrase, “I love your top” if they get caught. This phrase, by the way, not only makes a boob check completely acceptable, it starts a conversation about clothing which gives both women a chance to check out each other’s breasts. Or at least that’s the way it goes in my head.

By mandijo504
By mandijo504
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I’m so upset that we lost to the Lakers. I hate the Lakers!

Jimmy
Boulder, CO


Dear Jimmy,

Being that this is an advice column, I’m not sure what you’re looking for with that statement, but I appreciate the sentiment. I’m from LA so I’ll share something with you to help you through the loss.

Things That People in LA Brag About But Aren’t as Good as We Say

1. The Weather

What we say: The temperature’s perfect, the sun is always shining.

Image courtesy of http://ra-ajax.org

The truth of the matter: The people of Los Angeles enjoy a pleasant winter, it usually drops no lower than 50˚ and the sun shines brightly for most of the season. The flip side of this is that the summer is hotter than dachshunds in a grease fire, so usually the locals stay in the safety of their air conditioned homes or get wasted and cannonball the neighbor’s gorilla themed rubber pool. Then when winter finally returns we look to the sky and quietly wish for it to rain.

Image Courtesy of http://huynhwinsituation.wordpress.com

2. The Fashion

What we say: It’s the one place where you can dress like it is springtime all the time.

The truth of the matter: While Hollywood does bring this city an inordinate share of Betties, there is no such thing as a city populated entirely by babes. This point is made because so many young women do indeed dress like it is springtime all of the time which leads to the regular and unfortunate sighting of jumbos dressed like a stuffed sausage.

Images courtesy of http://sweat365.com/blog/ and http://www.dailymail.co.uk

3. The Open Space and Communities

What we say: There are so many wonderful communities around LA where you can find a nice home with some land and privacy to raise a family.

Image courtesy of, you guessed it, AltadenaForeclosures.com (Community in LA)

The truth of the matter: It’s true that there are unbelievable tree lined communities out here with large lots and great neighbors… But few people can afford such a place without getting one of the high paying jobs in the city. The result is a two hour drive to move 30 miles and a sky so brown you’d swear you were tunneling Mother Nature’s colon! We could fix this with public transportation, but we won’t allow that to happen, because if public transportation went by our homes it would ruin the privacy and take away the space.

Image courtesy of http://www.city-data.com

4. The Nightlife

What we say: There’s so much to do here! We have shows, fine dining, sports teams and clubs.

Image courtsey of http://www.jilliansofalbany.com

The truth of the matter: Scalpers, corporations and spoiled rich children who come from where you live have already booked reservations and bought tickets to every restaurant, sporting event and show in the city (save for the Clippers, but who wants to watch that mess), so locals end up watching these things on TV and eating fast food. The clubs are a blast, but unless you have healthy labia and stats that read 36-24-36 you’re going to have to wait in line while the bouncer hobnobs with Ralph Macchio. Locals have house parties.

Image courtesy of http://www.flixster.com/

5. The Women

What we say: LA is a place with tons of hot chicks. Live here and you can marry a chick like this:

Image courtesy of gimps.de

The truth of the matter: You sure can find a girl like that. But if you want to keep up with the Joneses then in time your hot chick will look like this:

Image courtesy of http://www.oddee.com

To the cities that have lost to the Lakers this playoffs I can only say this, Salt Lake and Denver, I have skied your slopes and that is as entertaining if not more so than anything you will do in Los Angeles. Houston, I have been in your clubs and women and they are just as nice as anything in LA, and you don’t have to wait for a bunch of other guys to get in before you do.

I sincerely hope this helps,

Mostie

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How? HOW?

By shear force of mystical awesomeness, that's how!

But on a more serious note:

Every participant must provide two things: their own super soaker and their own athletic whistle.

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Saturday, August 25th 2012. And be at that parking lot by 8:30. Seriously.

We're all responsible adults. That's sorta the point, to leave a little of that behind. But if a group of responsible adults can't arrange to meet in one place at a given time then I worry after all your children. So for crap's sake, show up on time and it will be the last responsible thing you have to do the entire weekend.

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Take the 210 in either direction and there’s a Santa Anita exit. Exit Santa Anita and follow it North. All the way Noth. North until you can’t go any more North. The street will go from four-lane to two-lane to a weird twisting path up the mountain. Just keep going North, damn you, until it hits the uterus. The uterus, in this case, looks like a Forest Service parking lot. Park. Do not buy an Adventure Pass, the Adventure pass is a lie, you don’t need it. A frisky Forest Service officer will command, then insist, then beg, then whine at you about it. No matter how pathetic or sad this Forest Ranger seems, do not buy the pass. Make sure you’re there by 8:30 am.

The event takes place far from the parking lot. But the trails there are intractable. So if you’re not there by 8 freaking Thirty you get left in a parking lot. OR, you’ll remain desperate to join us and walk down the hill in a desperate and hopeless attempt to find the party, only to realize that we did not lie, the trails are in fact intractable. You will wander aimlessly in the woods anyway until you die from a throbbing case of boredom.

The rally point is the parking lot. Punctuality is your only hope.

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