The James Patterson Parodies #1: I, Aleph Crass

James Patterson is the most published author of all time. He is a dynamo, a powerhouse, and a phenomenon. He is obviously the greatest man that ever lived, and we should thank and worship him for sharing his bizarre fantasies with us, busy as he must be with holding the universe in his imagination. My only hope is that I can re-create some of his signature gore and violence, needlessly kinky sex, flavorless characters, gratuitous chapter breaks, and a narrative pace stuck on Ludicrous Speed. Shine on, Patterson. Shine on.

Eight minute abs? Fuck that. Seven. Seven minute abs.

 

THE JAMES PATTERSON PARODIES #1

I, Aleph Crass

Chapter 1

     In the woods a chick gets murdered. “That chick sure got murdered,” says a cop on the scene. “Indeed,” says his partner. “It is gory and violent.”

 

Chapter 2

     Miles away, in a large office in a tall building, a very important and powerful man sits at his desk and wears an expensive suit. “Ha ha ha,” he chuckles to himself, “I have gotten away with a lot of crimes.”

“What was that?” asks his secretary.

“Nothing,” he says. She gives him oral sex. “I am married,” he announces, “which makes this fellatio illicit and titillating.”

 

Chapter 3

     Meanwhile, Aleph Crass interacts with his family in a way that is endearing.

 

Chapter 4

     An addict prepares to inject drugs into her arm with a syringe. Aleph Crass walks in. “I do not approve of this activity,” he says.

“I am defiant in the face of your disapproval,” says the addict. “But I have many traumatic events in my past that influence my behavior. For instance I was once raped by a very important and powerful man.”

“That humanizes you to some extent,” says Aleph Crass. “But a hallmark of a strong man is a belief in personal responsibility. I am such a man.” On his way out, he finds a clue.

 

Chapter 5

     “I have you now!” shouts Aleph Crass.

“No you do not,” says the important and powerful man.

“You win this round,” says Aleph Crass, “but I am a black man.”

 

Chapter 6

     That evening, Aleph Crass receives a phone call from his arch nemesis. “I have no relevancy here,” the nemesis says threateningly, “but it is important that you know I am still around.”

“Stay away from my family!” yells Aleph Crass. And he means it!

 

Chapter 7

     There is a thrilling car chase. A helicopter crashes into something we need. The hull of a submarine can’t take the pressure. “Dive deeper!” yells the captain. Several baby carriages teeter on the edge of a cliff. The cliff and the babies are on board the submarine and the submarine is constantly exploding.

“I can’t trace the call,” says Aleph Crass.

“Dammit,” says the Director of the FBI. “He’s kidnapped the President’s daughter.” Saying it makes it so. They both start shooting at agents in league with the very powerful man.

 

Chapter 8

     In a limousine on a private jet, the very important and powerful man prepares to molest the President’s daughter and wife. Aleph Crass bursts in.

“You can’t stop me now, Crass!” says the important and powerful man. Just then Aleph’s phone rings.

“Hiyeee,” says Aleph’s nemesis on the end of the line.

“Not now,” says Aleph Crass, and shoots the powerful man in his aneurysm.

 

Chapter 9

     The Director of the FBI visits Aleph Crass in his hospital bed. “That was some good work, Crass,” he says. “We never would have gotten him without you. And the President’s wife and daughter want to have kinky sex with you.” Just then Aleph Crass’s love interest walks in, being very independent and practical. Awkward!

 

THE END… ?

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