In the summer of 2013, two brothers set out on a journey. Their purpose was noble, their cause was just. But it was not long before their adventure turned into an ordeal, fraught with moderate physical exertion and severe inconvenience. In the end they returned victorious, with beer hewn from the native forest. But at what cost? Now, Beer School has been granted exclusive access to their incredible story. Come with us as we travel into the hinterlands, in Beer School #7: The Quest for Beer (working title).
Codename: Cobra Kai
Strengths: annunciates clearly. roughly symmetrical.
Weaknesses: allergic to sleeves/pollen
Special attributes: has built up an immunity to getting hit by cars
Major accomplishments: saw Sonic Youth play the Palladium in ’97
Quote: “I was rooting for the mercenaries in ‘Avatar’.”
Strengths: Consummate woodsman. Can start a fire underwater, on Venus. Encyclopedic knowledge of trails, plants, hippie girls.
Weaknesses: dresses like a vagrant
Special Attributes: can hurl his voice at the speed of sound
Major accomplishments: living without Netflix or cable service
Quote: “Well, shoots, man.”
Expedition Day 1, Zero Hour:
“Well, the first thing we needed was water. Which isn’t as easy as it sounds, up in these woods. People pee in there.”
Luckily, using Scott’s preternatural attunement with the natural world, the brothers were able to locate a freshwater spring, issuing forth from the living rock. But it was then, with this hopeful sign, that all hope seemed lost: the water merely seeped, and could not be collected in the jugs the brothers had brought. In adversity, however, heroes truly shine: using ancient Native American secrets, Scott fashioned a spout from a leaf.
Expedition Day 1, Hour two:
“The water was a real score. I almost thought we’d lost it there for a minute, but Scott really pulled us through. I was feeling pretty good as we walked back to the cabin. Of course, I didn’t know what we were in for with the fire.”
In fact the fire proved easy. Scott had a lighter, and the forest is, like, made out of wood. What they hadn’t accounted for was the difficulty in finding level stones to support the brew kettle. A tipping kettle would be catastrophic, dousing their fire and squandering their hard-won water. The expedition teetered on the brink of disaster.
Once again, Scott proved his worth, finding stones that could keep the kettle steady. Progress quickly resumed.
Expedition Day 1, Hour 3:
“With the brew kettle on I was free to add the first round of hops, and the malt.”
“Then we went swimmin’. I caught a turtle!”
Rufus, as it turned out, was an elder amongst his people, and was wise in the ways of the forest. Over the course of the next 45 minutes, he taught the brothers many of his mysteries, including how fuck-all boring turtles can be. Seriously, they’re like wet furniture. Except furniture can’t move, whereas turtles choose not to, just to piss you off.
This is their cabin, by the way:
Anyway, things were going well. But true adventure isn’t all swimming and boring-ass turtles. It wouldn’t be long before the team again encountered adversity, and this time it would test their very limits…
Expedition Day 1, Hour 4:
Naw, just kidding. It was rad. Everything went great, and the batch turned out really well. And sure, as an amateur brewer I have to buy my own materials and I don’t get paid for my time. But at the end of the day, would you rather have been brewing here:
or here:Read Full Article